Batters Are Incapable of Joy

Batters Are Incapable of Joy

In my day job as an elementary special education teacher, one of the greatest challenges is getting my students to expand their vocabulary— particularly with regards to emotions. The big three defaults arehappy, sad,andmad.Left to their own devices, all my students would gladly describe every character they read or write about using just those three feelings—even when I give them other options.

I used to think the reason was that they didn’t have enough other words in their repertoires, but I no longer believe that’s true. The problem is that the English language does a poor job describing the range of human emotions.Our limbic systemsare more complex than our language skills. Most of the things we feel at any given moment can’t be described with just one word. Right now, as you read this, you may to some degree feel curious, calm, gloomy, hungry, confused, impatient, and 50 other feelings depending on what’s happening in your life— all at the same time! Attempts to describe this are mostly futile, so if you’re a third-grader, why even bother?

Besides, emotions rarely even make sense. Pretend you’ve just slugged a walk-off home run in the bottom of the ninth. How would you feel watching the ball sail over the fence? Probably some derivation ofhappy, right? This should be one of the greatest moments of your career as a professional ballplayer. However, reading the faces of the few people who have been there and done that indicates otherwise.

Jacob Stallings, Pittsburgh Pirates

What he looks like he’s doing:Eating undercooked poultry

Jacob was raised to be polite, please and thank you, but he’s rarely experienced such a conflict of etiquette and self-preservation. Someone invited him into their home, went through a great deal of trouble to make him feel welcome, and prepared an otherwise lovely meal, but the food is plainly inedible. He managed to choke down the first bite, but there’s still so much left on his plate. Standard meal compliments are in order as the host awaits his verdict, but wasn’t he also raised to be honest? Besides, how can he remain courteous whilst excusing himself from having to torture his digestive system any further? His only options are 1) fake illness, or 2) eat the food and actuallybecomeill. Oh dear, this is a conundrum!

What he actually did:Walkoff home run against the Cubs on September 22

Kyle Tucker, Houston Astros

What he looks like he’s doing:Coming home after a very long day at work

They can always tell by the way he walks through the door. When Daddy closes it gently and yells, “I’m home!” they run and jump into his arms, then cling onto him until he tickles them off. Today he slams it shut behind him and says nothing. “Hi Daddy,” they call from the other room, but they do not run to greet him, and he does not reply. There will be no tickling today.

What he actually did:Walkoff home run against the Mariners on August 16

Jordan Luplow, Cleveland Indians

What he looks like he’s doing:Witnessing a kitchen accident

Oh no, oh no, oh no, here wrap it in some paper towels where the hell is the first aid kit do we have any gauze that is really a lot of blood I think we should go to the hospital you might need stitches but there’s no one else here to stay with the baby I don’t know if we should call an ambulance has the bleeding slowed down at all try to put some pressure on it and let’s hope for the best all I wanted was a bagel was that so much to ask?

What he actually did:Walkoff home run against the White Sox on September 23

Nick Markakis, Atlanta Braves

What he looks like he’s doing:Helping a cousin move to a new apartment

Why did he have to callme?Doesn’t he have any real friends? I could’ve spent the day sleeping in and watching football, but no. It’s not like we have much in common. We haven’t hung out together since playing tag in my aunt’s backyard, what 20 years ago? I can’t remember the last time I saw him anywhere other than weddings and funerals, and at least those have better food. Now I’m throwing my back out and sweating away my Sunday for a slice of pizza and a warm bottle of water—

“I really appreciate the help, Nick. You hanging in there okay?”

Grrr. “Yup, happy to do it. That’s what family is for.”

“You’re the best, man. Now come help me out with this dresser.”

What he actually did:Walkoff home run against the Blue Jays on August 6

Yasmani Grandal, White Sox

What he looks like he’s doing:Trying to get an old lawnmower to start

RRRRUUUUUHHHH!!!!!!!

RRRRRUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Stupid, lousy, worthless old piece of scrap metal! Darned thing never, EVER starts anymore! Neighbors all probably think I’m some kind of idiot! IS THIS FUN FOR YOU, BRENDA? DO YOU ENJOY WATCHING ME SUFFER?!? WHY DON’T YOU GET OUT HERE AND TRY TO START THIS THING YOURSELF? BETTER YET, GO MOW YOUR OWN DAMN LAWN! YOU COULD LOSE A SMALL CHILD IN THAT YARD OF YOURS! Next year is the season I finally get rid of this useless hunk of junk, I swear!

RRRRUUUUUUUUHHHH!!!!!!

What he actually did:Walkoff home run against the Royals on August 28

Are all batters simply miserable, joyless people? Every kid in Little League dreams of hitting a game-winner, but the few people who actually achieve this at the highest level don’t appear too happy about it. Perhaps this is the cost of professionalism. There is one counterexample though…

Brett Phillips, Tampa Bay Rays

What he looks like he’s doing:Celebrating a game-winning single in the World Series

Wooo!!!

What he actually did:Hita game-winning single in the World Series

There’s no way to distill that emotion into a single word. We couldn’t get close if we tried.